I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
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Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.