i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
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Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I need to get some bricks…
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Sunday
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
normalize having existential bread
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left