i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
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*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
My sex drive has a dui
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE