BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
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me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.