@ashmensch: I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.
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@TheCiscoKidder: I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
@lilgapeach30: Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.
@AndyAsAdjective: I've spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why "mustache" & "headache" don't rhyme.