Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
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Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??