I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
You Might Also Like
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
scenes of unspeakable carnage
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
American Horror Story: Public Restroom