Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

Do not steal food from the science building!

When I can’t barge, I careen.

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.