I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
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Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
“No way.” -Jose
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.