I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
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My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
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You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
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The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
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I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
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Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled