I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
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Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.