I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
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[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.