Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.