Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.