I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
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Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
🍞🦆
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid