Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
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They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.