“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
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Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
yeah 😭
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices