Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

thanksgiving should be called feaster

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.