“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
You Might Also Like
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.