Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.