“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
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I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.