“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
You Might Also Like
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.