Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

m’lady

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

Day 2 of my diet

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.