Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

the short answer to this question

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”