I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
You Might Also Like
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
You’ll be OK
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.