Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”