Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends