I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
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I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
*launders Kohls cash*
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
buying dead houseplants to save time
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Social distancing in Australia:
