I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
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Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I created you as mosquito food.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.