I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
