Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

This why you should mind your business

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

My diet starts in January

of 2027

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

ok this is my dumbest yet

Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.