I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Only a mother’s love …
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
asking santa clause for nudes
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
