I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
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everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Happy Taco Tuesday
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
our love story in four pictures
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.