I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
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I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
middle school in the ’90s
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
BaD BoY!!
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
the red hot silly peppers
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground