I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
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Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
the red hot silly peppers
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid