Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

Me too

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.