I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
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Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles