Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

this was the best i’ve ever seen

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.