i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
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Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.