I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
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Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
I have two kinds of followers
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Sounds like a bargain
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.