I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
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Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
If my kids invented a drink.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for