I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
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In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*