@shutupmikeginn

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

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@Adar79Angie

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

@Sean_Burgundy_

When I’m bored I like to call in sick to places I don’t work for. I’m getting written up at Home Depot

@shanethevein

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

@Playing_Dad

[@ Sunbeam Bread factory job interview]
Boss: Your resume says you are “definitely not 3 ducks in a suit.”
3 Ducks In A Suit: That’s correct

@GreenishDuck

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

@junejuly12

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

@AnnietheNanny1

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

@ClichedOut

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

@Karissajem

Neighbors just got a pirate ship playhouse for their backyard. Drunk me has never been so excited.