I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
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‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
based al yankovic
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Most fashion shows these days…