I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
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Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
When you’ve simply given up.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.