Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.