I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
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OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Unexpected Judgment
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times