I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
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I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Voodoo map
