I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
You Might Also Like
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?