Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

Hey Fugeddaboutit

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container