Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

oh u like geography? name every lake

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.