Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

estão todos miauvindo?

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior