Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely