I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
You Might Also Like
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”