I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
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It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Stop being racist to kettles.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!