Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”

when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.