I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
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[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
#Caturday
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
🤣
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.