I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
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I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I WON A HAM TODAY
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?