I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
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One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Rambo Rambow
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Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.