Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.