I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
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Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
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You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
It’s an epidemic…
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It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.