Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
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be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
what’s the point then??
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards