I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
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Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
My kitchen overserved me.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
The Assassin.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.