Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

wish me luck lads

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again