@SamDelanche

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

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@sween

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

@Vhalechark

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

@LuvPug

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

@histwaddle

People need to stop judging a person by their appearance. Just because i have food stains on my shirt that doesn’t mean i have kids.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

@ObscureGent

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

@junejuly12

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

@moose_chocolate

The groundhog in our town died on Sunday. I can’t imagine how long our winter will be now.

@nameterminated

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

@BlakWidowBarbee

Yoga is really kicking in. I’m seeing the definition in my arms and overall flexibility. My vibrator is gonna be really impressed.