I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

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I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.


[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-


Moderator: *sweating*


Moderator: forklift


Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.


People need to stop judging a person by their appearance. Just because i have food stains on my shirt that doesn’t mean i have kids.


Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.


Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.


I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.


The groundhog in our town died on Sunday. I can’t imagine how long our winter will be now.


All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.


Yoga is really kicking in. I’m seeing the definition in my arms and overall flexibility. My vibrator is gonna be really impressed.