I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
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A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Ummm
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected