I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
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Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.