Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

Headlines With Threatening Auras.

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

¯_(ツ)_/¯

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.