Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.