I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
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“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Just added something to my bucket list.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow