I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
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Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.