Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

We decided to have money instead of children.

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.