I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
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Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR