I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
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wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
life lately
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone