Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t message me unless you have this energy

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

As per my last nervous breakdown

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

If I ignore life will it go away?

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”