I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
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*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
No flush
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
That time Alicia messaged me
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right