I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
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*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
(Gaming support cat.)
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.