I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
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Ah yes. The three genders
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”